Being Real: My struggle with adoption.

I've abandoned this blog.  I've made feeble attempts to come back to it, but all were short lived.  I've been questioning why that is.  And I think I've finally found the answer.

I need this blog to be more real if I'm going to get excited about writing again.  I need to be able to come here, not just with my lighthearted and funny posts, or informative posts, but also the posts that aren't so happy.  The ones that reflect the challenges and heartache and struggles we all go through.

So, as I take a deep breathe, I'm going to talk about something that's extremely hard for me to talk about:  the challenges I've faced in wanting another child.

In 2009, I was a gestational surrogate.  (That journey needs an entirely different post all of itself, one I will hopefully write soon, but for now, just bear with me.)  It was an amazing journey, but unfortunately the fertility medications I took so that my body would maintain the pregnancy because the children (yes, twins) were not of my genetics, caused serious medical issues.  Because of this, I would be extremely high risk were I to attempt another pregnancy.

For years I've discussed adoption with my husband.  We've always been weary of it because the costs of adopting are so astronomical that it's not practical to assume we'd ever reach our goal without the help and generosity of a lot of people.

Once we even made a half-hearted attempt at raising funds through a crowd funding site, but it didn't pick up steam and I let it slide behind me.  I lost hope.  Looking back, it was my fault that it didn't pick up steam.  After all, if I weren't more passionate and driven to raise money for my cause, why would anyone else be?  Then, shortly after our attempt at raising funds, a personal issue arose and adoption went on the back burner yet again, where it's sat since.

So, here I am again, trying to gain the courage to begin the astronomical and seemingly impossible task of raising the funds to adopt.  We're at a good place in our lives and if ever there were such thing as the perfect time, I'm positive this would be it.

But, how do I do it?  Where does that courage come from?  How do I ask people for money when my cause and struggle is no greater than anything going on in their lives, I'm certain?  I don't know.  But I'm trying to find that courage.  I want to do this.  I want to yell from the rooftops that NOW is the time for us to adopt and that we want this SO badly, but I can't find my voice.

It's my hope that this blog post will be the beginning of that courage.  That maybe if I'm brave enough to post this, then I can build and move forward and that courage will somehow find its way to me if I just let myself be known that I need it.

So here I am courage, please seek me out and try to find me and hopefully soon I'll have the strength to walk toward you too.